Mr Gum and the Goblins Read online

ME AND UNCLE RADISH

  Well, me and Uncle Radish

  We go everywhere together –’

  ‘Shh,’ whispered Polly urgently, putting out the fire with a mug of water. ‘I think I done heard somethin’ a-creepin’ in the bushes.’

  Polly and Friday huddled together, trembling in the darkness. After a minute the rabbit joined them, twitching its whiskers like a total wurly. And now they could all hear the noises – strange hisses and creaks and moans. And then they heard a twig snap. Then another snapped – and then another.

  And then the moon it did come out from behind a cloud, and in its silvery light the travellers saw the game was up. For they were completely surrounded by goblins, standing there snapping twigs in their bumpy old hands.

  ‘GETT THEMM!’ commanded Captain Ankles and at this the goblins advanced, eyes wide and claws glinting wickedly.

  ‘The poor rabbit!’ cried Polly. ‘This isn’t no place for you, little one,’ she said, scooping it up in her arms and carrying it to a safe place underneath a bush. You see, that was just the sort of girl Polly was – she always looked out for people smaller than herself, especially if they were rabbits.

  ‘Right,’ said Friday. ‘Now leave the rest to me!’ And he reached for his broadsword, the legendary LORD CHAMPION. It was made from the strongest steel known to man and it shone like a Flaming Star of Justice and nothing could defeat it in battle and it was lying on Friday’s sofa in his secret cottage next to an empty yogurt pot.

  ‘Brummigans!’ cursed Friday. ‘Forgot the broadsword.’ But then he had an idea.

  ‘Get back, you monsters!’ he warned, doing a mime as if he was holding a mighty sword after all. ‘Or taste the blade of my legendary invisible broadsword, TRANSPARENT-O, which has slain many, many goblins and trolls. And an elk.’

  The goblins hissed and started to back off. But not Captain Ankles. He wasn’t fooled for a moment.

  ‘Invisiball sword not reall!’ he said. ‘Old bloke jusst pretennding! Look, he jusst miming!’

  And then the travellers were done for. The goblins advanced again and this time there was no stopping them.

  They threw Polly and Friday into a great big sack and tied it up with dirty magic string you can’t escape from unless you’re Harry Potter. Then they lifted the sack above their gruesome heads and back up the mountain they started, hooting and shouting to wake the dead.

  From beneath the bush, the little rabbit watched the whole terrible scene. I will never forget that brave girl who carried me to safety, its bright green eyes seemed to say. Well, I might. But I’ll try really hard not to.

  ‘Polly,’ whispered Friday hopefully as they were bumped and bundled along in the sack. ‘Are you Harry Potter?’

  ‘No,’ said Polly. ‘I’m Polly.’

  ‘That’s what I thought,’ said Friday gloomily.

  ‘Can you reach the Horn?’ said Polly. ‘I thinks this might be a good time to summon the Spirit of the Rainbow.’

  But try as he might, Friday couldn’t reach it, and with their last hope gone, the prisoners fell silent, each fearing the worst. And on the goblins marched. On and on and on, all night long they marched. Until, by the time they finally reached Goblin Cave, a grey dawn was breaking over the mountain and the crows cawed mournfully in the bare trees.

  ‘Helllo! Gobbblin King! We catched the meddlers!’ Captain Ankles called out.

  ‘Shut up!’ came a familiar voice. ‘I’m tryin’ to watch “Bag of Sticks”!’

  There’s somethin’ familiar ’bout that familiar voice, thought Polly, but in all the commotion as she and Friday were carried through the cave, she couldn’t work out what.

  ‘HALT!’ she heard Captain Ankles say, and then Oink Balloon ripped open the sack with his claws, and the travellers were face to face with the Goblin King himself.

  ‘You flippin’ hasslers,’ spat the Goblin King, coming so close that Polly could smell his meaty old breath. ‘Don’t you know I’m the best cos I’m so powerful an’ handsome?’ And suddenly, Polly realised the dreadful truth.

  Fry me in vegetable oil an’ call me a giant bag of crisps! she thought to herself. The Goblin King is Mr Gum! Oh, and there’s Billy William, he’s probbly callin’ himself the Burger Wizard or somethin’, I ’spect.

  Chapter 9

  Polly and Friday in the Cave

  ‘Well, well, well,’ said Mr Gum. The emerald in his beard glinted and shone as if somehow laughing at them, and the goblins chanted ‘SHINY FING! SHINY FING! SHINY FING!’ until Polly felt she was in a nightmare – but she knew nightmares didn’t smell so bad, so it must be real.

  ‘Here am I,’ spat Mr Gum, ‘mindin’ me own business an’ just bein’ a flippin’ Goblin King like nature intended – an’ you two have to come an’ spoil all me good work!’

  ‘You calls duffin’ up Mrs Lovely “good work”?’ shot back Polly. ‘Mr Gum, you make me as sick as an alligator. Hey, Friday!’ she yelled. ‘Blow that horn – an’ make it funky!’

  Friday snatched up the Horn of Q’zaal Q’zaal and brought it to his lips.

  ‘Oh, Spirit of the Rainbow, come to us now,’ he pleaded.

  And on that horn he did blow.

  A long, marmping note flew out into the cave. It went bouncing off the walls, bashed Captain Ankles in the belly and flew out over the mountainside. And down in Lamonic Bibber the townsfolk awoke and their hearts were filled with joy to hear that gorgeous noise. The birds sang, the sun shone and a dead flower on Old Granny’s windowsill came back to life and started growing golden pears.

  ‘Right,’ said Friday when the last strains of the glorious note had faded. ‘Any second now, you’re going to be absolutely Rainbowed like you’ve never been Rainbowed before.’

  Everyone waited.

  Friday checked his watch.

  Mr Gum picked his nose.

  Someone sneezed.

  ‘Yup,’ said Friday, a little less confidently this time. ‘He’ll be here any . . . second . . . now. Hey!’ he shouted helpfully to the Spirit of the Rainbow, in case he had taken a wrong turn. ‘We’re over here! In a cave!’

  ‘OK,’ said Mr Gum eventually. ‘He’s obviously not turnin’ up. I ’spect he’s scared cos he knows I’m simply too powerful, an’ I’m excellent at punchin’. So let’s just get on wiv things! Mighty Goblin Army!’ he cried –

  ‘Excuse me,’ said Friday. ‘Are you about to tell the goblins your plan?’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Mr Gum. ‘So what?’

  ‘Well, would you mind doing it as a song?’ asked Friday. ‘I love songs.’

  ‘You lunatic!’ said Mr Gum, shaking his head in disgust. ‘Your brain’s too small for your head, that’s your problem, O’Leary!

  ‘Now, goblins,’ he continued. ‘Our hour has finally come. Today we starts down that tunnel what we bin buildin’, I never told you why, but now I’m a-gonna. That tunnel goes right down through this flabberin’ mountain, an’ guess where it comes out? Lamonic Bibber!’

  At this, the goblins shrieked with joy, Polly gasped in horror and Friday did the splits in amazement.

  ‘So, me little goblin-goblins, the plan is this,’ explained Mr Gum. ‘We sneaks down that old tunnel, we bursts out – an’ we takes everyone by surprise! An’ before they knows what’s what, it ain’t Lamonic Bibber no more. It’s Goblin City, an’ we can run wild an’ drink beer all the livelong day!’

  ‘YEAH!’ screamed the goblins. ‘Gobbblin Citty! Gobbblin Citty!’

  ‘Sorry but no, Mr Gum!’ said Polly. ‘I loves that town an’ you’ll never turn it into no goblin paradise full of litter an’ dog mess everywhere!’

  ‘Oh, no? What are you gonna do about it?’ laughed Mr Gum. And he stretched out his arms and chanted:

  Burger Wizard!

  Do that thing!

  That thing with the burgers!

  Goo goo g’joob!

  And suddenly the air was full of hamburgers as Billy William did what he liked doing best – throwing bad meat at good
people. Golly, his hands were just a blur as he spun those burgers fast and furious like horrid grey frisbees.

  ‘It’s supper time!’ he cackled, launching a quarter pounder straight at Polly’s knee. ‘Enjoy your meal!’

  ‘Oh, Mrs Lovely,’ said Friday, as he and Polly backed away from the gristly missiles. ‘I know you cannot hear me, but I love you more than a man ever loved a woman. I love you like the sun loves the stars and like swordfishes love swimming through the sea trying to stab things with their sharp faces. I was hoping that one day you’d tell me your first name – but alas, Mrs Lovely, it is not to be. For now I go to my doom and – A A A A A R R R G G G H !’

  Suddenly he was falling, falling, falling through pitch black . . . And Polly was falling, falling, falling with him. Together they fell, fell, fell. That bit wasn’t too bad – but then they landed, landed, landed. And it hurt, hurt, hurt.

  ‘OOF!’ said Friday as he landed on a hard stone floor. ‘YUMK!’ he exclaimed as Polly landed on top of him. ‘CHURP!’ he added, just because he felt like it.

  ‘W-what happened?’ asked Polly in confusion, but then Mr Gum’s bloodshot eyes appeared far above, glaring down at them.

  ‘You’ve fallen down the old abandoned well,’ grinned Mr Gum. ‘I knew that was gonna happen,’ he lied. ‘It was all part of me ingenious plan, probably.’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Billy William, appearing at his side. ‘An’ now we’re goin’ down our tunnel with all them goblins, an’ soon we’ll be runnin’ things!’

  ‘Yeah,’ agreed Mr Gum. ‘An’ here’s a thing, O’Leary. When we go down that tunnel, we’re gonna do a brilliant song, with yodelling an’ everythin’. An’ you’re gonna miss every incredible second of it!’

  ‘Oh, no!’ wailed Friday. ‘How can this be happening? HOW? It’s just not fair!’

  ‘Right,’ said Mr Gum, affectionately kicking Billy William as hard as possible in the shins. ‘Let’s get goin’, me old Burger Wizard. We got songs to sing an’ tunnels to go down!’

  And then they were gone, and Polly and Friday were left alone in the dark.

  Chapter 10

  The Tunnel Song*

  *featuring a special burp solo from Livermonk the goblin

  GOBLIN KING:

  I am the Goblin King

  Listen to me sing

  Yodel-odel-odel-odel-ay!

  BURGER WIZARD:

  And I’m the Burger Wizard

  Listen to me play

  Yodel-odel-odel all the day!

  WIPPY:

  My name Wippy!

  Yoda! Yoda! Yoda!

  GOBLIN KING:

  Shut up, Wippy!

  It’s not your flippin’ turn!

  Yodel-odel-odel-odel ay!

  OINK BALLOON:

  My name Oinky Balloo!

  Yogurt! Yogurt! Ay! Ay! Ay!

  BURGER WIZARD:

  Shut up, Oink Balloon!

  It’s not your turn neither, you stupid moron.

  I can’t believe you goblins don’t know when

  to sing an’ when not to sing, you’re mucking everythin’ up!

  Yodel-odel-odel-odel ay!

  CHORUS:

  Let’s go down the tunnel!

  Let’s go down the tunnel!

  Let’s go down the tunnel!

  Let’s go down the tunnel!

  Let’s go down the tunnel!

  Yes, let’s go down the tunnel!

  Let’s go down the tunnel!

  Tunnels are quite good.

  GOBLIN KING:

  Now, Livermonk! Burp solo! Take it away!

  LIVERMONK:

  BURP! BURP! BURP! BURP! BURP!

  BURP! BURP! BURP! BURP! BURP!

  BURP! BURP! BURP! BURP! BURP!

  BURP! BURP! BURP! BURP! BURP!

  BURP! BURP! BURP! BURP! BURP!

  BURP! BURP! BURP! BURP! BURP!

  BURP! BURP! BURP! BURP! BURP!

  BURP! BUR–

  And now . . . back to the story.

  Chapter 11

  Heroes in the Snow

  Polly and Friday lay at the bottom of the well, in the darkest darkness they had ever not seen. The goblins were on their smelly way to Lamonic Bibber and there was nothing they could do about it.

  ‘I can’t believe I missed the song,’ Friday said miserably. ‘I bet it was magnificent.’

  ‘I bet you it wasn’t,’ said Polly. ‘Knowing Mr Gum, it was probbly full of mistakes an’ burpin’ an’ what-have-you. Now let’s see what’s goin’ on ’round here an’ maybe we can escape.’

  Together they scrabbled about in the darkness and soon their hands found something smooth and cold. It was the side of the old well.

  ‘Maybe we can move these bricks,’ said Polly eagerly, and they set to work pulling and pushing at the stonework. But no – those bricks weren’t going anywhere. They’d been there for hundreds of years and they fancied being there for hundreds of years more and that was their final word on the matter. After a while Polly collapsed back in the darkness.

  ‘I hates it!’ she fumed. ‘Mr Gum’s just left us here to rot away like snowmen! An’ what’s more –’

  Just then one of the bricks shifted a little. Then out it plopped on to the floor.

  ‘Magic bricks!’ said Friday, tapping his nose wisely. ‘I thought as much!’

  But for once in his life, Friday was wrong. A little face peeked out of the hole where the brick had been.

  ‘Why, it’s that rabbit!’ gasped Polly.

  And yes, it really was. Because that rabbit hadn’t forgotten Polly’s kindness and somehow it had known she was in trouble. So through the mountain it had burrowed, and those stupid bricks were no match for its powerful digging legs.

  Now follow me, the rabbit’s bright green eyes seemed to say – and the travellers crawled through the burrow after the long-eared superhero. The passageway twisted and turned until Polly lost all track of time and Friday lost one of his shoes, but eventually they saw moonlight shining up ahead. Sweet, sweet moonlight! And out they climbed into the cold starry night.

  ‘Thank you, little one,’ said Polly, bending down to shake the rabbit’s paw.

  My work here is done, the rabbit’s bright green eyes seemed to say. Now it is up to you, travellers. Only you can save the day with your bravery and courage. The way is hard, but I have faith in you because I am a rabbit.

  ‘Wow,’ said Friday as the creature bounded off into the darkness. ‘I’ve never met a rabbit with such talkative eyes.’

  ‘Never mind that,’ said Polly. ‘We’re still ages away from Lamonic Bibber, an’ them goblins is easy gonna beat us back there before we can warn the townsfolk!’

  It looked totally hopeless, but just then –

  ‘Hark,’ said Friday. ‘What sound is this, coming our way this blustery night? Why, it almost sounds like – yes, it is – barking!’

  ‘Could it be?’ said Polly, hardly daring to believe it was true. ‘Could it be?’ she repeated, jumping on Friday’s shoulders to get a better look. ‘YES!’ she cried excitedly. ‘GOAL! NUMBER 1 HIT RECORD ON THE CHARTS! GOLD MEDAL! EXTRA LIFE! BRAND NEW PENCIL CASE!’

  You see, these were all the best things Polly could think of – because rattling through the fields on his huge friendly paws was her old friend, Jake the dog! And a fine, fine dog was he!

  There were sleigh bells all over his tail and an enormous Christmas tree stuck to his back, and right at the top like the star he was sat little Alan Taylor, scanning the fields with his juicy raisin eyes.

  ‘There they are!’ the biscuity fellow beamed when he saw the travellers. And as Jake came belting towards them, Polly laughed to see who was steering him, for it was a little boy no older than she.

  ‘Spirit of the Rainbow!’ she laughed in pure joy. ‘Is it really you?’

  ‘Of course,’ replied the lad as Jake pulled up and began licking Polly’s eyebrows.

  ‘I promised to come to your aid when the Horn of Q’zaal Q’zaal was blown – a
nd here I am.’

  ‘Thank you, sir,’ said Friday graciously. ‘But there is one thing I have to ask. Couldn’t you have come a bit sooner?’

  ‘Old man,’ explained the boy. ‘When you blew that horn I was in Newcastle, staying over at my cousin’s. I had to catch the train, and it was delayed for ages – and then the taxi from the station broke down, so I had to walk the last two miles on foot. And then I had to – what?’ he asked, noticing Friday’s surprise. ‘You didn’t think I would just magically appear when you blew the horn, did you? Oh!’ laughed the boy as the travellers climbed aboard Jake’s festive back. ‘The very idea! How you humans do amuse me!’

  And then they were all laughing together for the idea of someone just magically appearing was simply ridiculous! But now there was no time to lose.

  ‘Mush!’ cried the Spirit of the Rainbow, which is something you say to dogs to get them to run really fast through snow, no one knows why. And – WOOF-PZAAANG! – Jake took off like a hairy bullet called Jake and there they were, racing back to Lamonic Bibber in the moonlight.